my feelings

i remember how much excited i was abt delhi transfer, dreaming to live wid him, but now dont want to come to delhi. if it was not pitaji pressure & not abt his treatment i would have rejected my transfer.

i remind the day c went from delhi, i was standing in front but he called him, c even didnt look at me & went, i was standing like the poorest man of the world whose all things are looted.

they both talk abt trust how astonishing- on such a big issue i remember when c came to delhi, c stayed & once c told i have not done anything wrong & i nvr even took a single sec to accept that & i today also believe them. but how can i believe (whom i love most tell even the most secret parts of my life also when every time u tell lie or hide things or feel as 1st u both discuss & den convey t me,) i m not a god. even on small issues of call i have been told wrong things.

when he says anything or c says anything it is believed at once by both of them but when its my matter, it is always taken d way they want. even my intuitions which were max time right were taken as joke. if i take her phone its spying & he takes her phone its his authority or love??????????? what a great stand. & finally always i m wrong.......

presently

when i get separated, it was like hell. no sleep, high blood pressure, so much of pain in heart, even bleeding from mouth & nose. it was like complete disorder life. i cry, i weep. truely its almost impossible to live without them.

i wish i could have stayed, i could have made them realized how much i love them. its my failure. but if their happiness is at that cost only i bear that. i dont have device to show how much i love u. u both r simply my life n when i m distant from u i m just breathing but there is no life in that. till i m busy, i avoid things, but when go back or alone its like cry so loudly that all pain disappear, but is increases manifold.

love u both.......................

I M MAD ABT U BOTH, DONT KNOW Y U BOTH R NOT MADE 4 ME.......................

U BOTH R IN MY HEART & PRAY & WILL BE 4EVER....................................

what i want?

i had mixed actions as due to fight btwn heart & mind. but i wanted that i should break all my relations with them. as was not possible with peace. i tried. so i had to fight, blame or give them unnecessary pain. as i got that till i will be in their life no1 will be happy. they love each-other the way they want. then who m i to object. had i any authority on them. no. so i did so many of things that we could get separated. as with love it was not possible so it happened like this way,

i want them to live happily & give me a niece "RADHIKA". but i will miss them like....................

relation with him & her

once i told he if ur husband wont like our relation or object it, i will quit. c replied will nvr happen. he came in her life, c tried to make me understand that its very much beneficial that he is the only person who can understand our relation.

i remember i have nvr kept anything hidden from him even what i discuss wid her, d way i love & all things, but he had different views 4 our relation i know he is right in his views. if any1 would have been in his place the person would have reacted the same. but he was not any1? he was aspecial1.

relation with him & her

i never wanted to loose him. i loved him a lot as i feel today. but in last months i feel whenever there were differences always i came forward. he was always neutral. always there were so many reasons behind that. but he never remember how much i love him.

i remind when c 1st time told me abt her relation with him, i told it destroy all relations among us. but my true intentions were always taken as joke. i should have understand at that day only. but i m a big fool.

i felt that when c is wid me he might hav felt bad. i told it to her also so many times, but c had more faith on him than me.. but what was reality as he felt so bad but kept hiding. finally everything destroyed.

look he has lost his mobile but didnt tell me his new no in delhi though i know he is using 09015344514. but has he told me? y not? bcz he doesnt want to talk.

why it happened?

once both told me u tell once v will 4get each-other, but ha ha ha ha ha. what was reality i just wanted they should love & live but not the way they were doing & things changed against me. i m ignored & avoided. i became an unwanted piece in heir life. forcefully they have been carrying me.

when he told abt his objections, i realized how bad i m? n i decided at that only that anyhow i will quit as till i will be their they cannt be happy. i feel he wants the same from his behavior & reactions. he doesnt want my presence. his reaction is very much important 4 me as he is her happiness whom i loved the most. he is himsellf a very very imp. person in my life.

i remember once an old maid told him, u tell lie & he became so furious that i have to intervene. but if not told, i cannt remember how many times things were kept mysterious 4 me. hiding truth is also like telling a lie. but its their wish

why it happened?

when the incident happened as came to delhi & i didnt know. i decided i will quit. but it was not happening as i always became weak when c come in front of me. i was loosing him day by day also as i love him also a lot. i tried my level best that i could keep relation with him but i think he didnt want.

my mind & heart was against. heart says i shouldnt be distant from her & him. mind says no u must. as no1 will be happy if i stays.

problem was only that i was open book 4 them as whatever i felt i shared but they always kept seceracy. if they have not any thing secret y to hide?

life without him & her

it is always said u shouldnt love any1 more than urself. but no1 understands. similarly i also didnt get it.

i heard a story in my childhood- there was a demon whose life was in parrot. he kept that parrot at a lonely place so that no1 can get her. but as every1 has to die. 1 prince serched the parrot & killed the demon.

its true as i feel today. but pains a lot. its always better to die once than to die every moment.

DIDI made me realized how healthy i was till june but as v three came in triangle relation, my health detoriated like anything. i have nvr taken any high BP medicine even i was physically ill, but its all ur grace dear that my medicine started.

truth of life.

c tells me c is closest to me but c doesnt know what i m feeling these days? my life is going where? family prolems when i think more n more my pain starts. earlier i think i thought i got some1 with whom i can every feelings, with whom i can b happy, i was ready to share her all grief, but i was wrong. it turned another way. i was alone earlier, m alone now & hope wil alone. pain is not i was, m or will like that rather when some1 come in ur life make u hopeful & then changes then it bcomes difficult to adjust. exactly its my real frnd who nvr goes frm my life till i rejects him den again come back without any call when i need it most. i love u my loneliness.

things r not in order

4 everything c wants only her rights. c tells with whom v love v should do everything 4 him/her. i agree. but why i only? why not others? sometime it suffocates. it pains. my 1 mistake is taken as being big brother i did a blunder, but others mistakes r either protected or ignored, or should be 4given even if it hurts n the man infront is not realising it. i dont know my fate or fate of ..................

its confusing

till date c has the most important part of my life. but now adays v fight more than v love each other. issue is same Kshitij. i cannt blame c is at fault but its happening. may b i m at fault. but really i cry from inside. small issues creat the problems. loke when he comes in front her behaviour changes i felt it, hes attention shifts, i feel like unwanted guest. as happened todat, it is Rakhi. i told her wake up since last 1hour c didnt trun up, once he came c turned up. its nothing bad, but it shows my 1 hour efforts have no value. when v finished food c wanted to spend her time wid him, i knew i came out. c formally asked where u r going but didnt stop 4 whom c as c said came to delhi. when i was there c was sleeping contrary to her general routine of holiday, c even after food happy to talk. now what i should feel?

now

presently, i feel the frnd whom i was talking daily is missing, d sister i can call anytime is disappearing, when i try to call n their call r busy, i found guilty esp when they wid each-other. i find c may say bahiya u dont give space or he will say u didnt give us time to understand each-other. i know they r not wrong n cannt b also. bcz two loving heart r so pious that they cannt b wrong. i know fault is wid me, i know my unnecessary interuption in their life, myneedless possession, my futile fear is creating problem 4 not only me but 4 them also. but if her bhaiya has aprob, or his frnd is having it should it go like dis only. but 1 thing i will complain thae they dont know or dont understand d feeling of an elder brother i was also not knowing b4 that. its like bing highly protective, possessive, caring 4 her sis, i dont find anything wrong in that. turn d table n any1 will feel d same, but i m really sorry from my heart dt i disturbed dem, i m d culprit, its their greatness that they accept me despite this. esp kshitij sir who is really great, his behave 4 me n chhoti is exceptional n commendable. even i cannt do that. i heartly his maturity & understanding say sorry to him n my dearest chhoti 4 my all unintentional mistakes. i surrender n bow down to them, now its up to them dt how much they 4give me. love u n will b loving u both, but dont expect d same as i m also human bing & i m hurt also. it will take time to regain my trust n to adjust, to eliminate my fear n most importantly to leave my possession or better 2 say my HAQ. love u dear love u both. sorry again.........................

now & 4ever

again better i lost my one sided love, my last expectation. i didnt deserve her, i expected more dam mu AUKAT- a true frnd, alovely sis n a girl only 4 me. i 4got my fate so lost everything at once. good really good. its all urs grace god now i m free n okkkkkkkkkkk. thanks. just bestowed me as u blessing me today. thanks & bow down to you 4 whatr you given the true friend & a pious sister, a really lived acomplete life in dt. i dont want more n cannt digest also. thanks again

but kya karu, it pains like anything, even dont get proper sleep thougj after eating medicines. but i know soon i will adjust & control myself & start loving my loneliness which i hope b wid me 4ever. i hav left it sometime but c how trustworthy it is. it has not left me n fortunatele again got me. b wid me dear. thanks............................................ 4 bing my most trustworthy frnd.

me in pain

once u make some1 realise he is god in ur life n suddenly ignore. it pains dear. so many new changes, situations happening, hard to believe. i know c loves kshitij sir very much n why c shouldnt. i know my fate so i dont blame any1, whosoever i loved i didnt get or keep them in my life. if it is 1 he may b faulty bt if they r so many adding two new1 kshitij sir n CHHOTi, i realise somewhere problem is wid me. but its heartbreaking. i learnt agreat lesson, from now i cannt love any1 more dan me. i will b really afraid off loving somebody. i pray n wish dt both of them should live more dan me n ideal married life which b come example for others. from now again i will live d same life of Himansu bahiya & himansu sir, who is bahiya & sir of every1 but nobody can reach to my heart now. it is closed 4 ever, sorry................. everybody would c me but nobody will come to know me. c nvr tried to reach to my heart, how much pain n what all things r unearthed in ti . i expected that was my fault. but from now not again. they will nvr come to know how much i m wid them in their or apart from dem in my life. himansu again ur thirst for love is unsatiated, now will search 4 none, wll love to live dt darkness n bing thirsty..............
therefore i say noboby is urs n every1 is urs it depends how much u come close to them, more n more closer u will b going more n more u will b distant frm their heart n their life..............
wah kya bat hai, kya likha hai, ekdam origional quotation, love u himansu, love u a lot dear. muah.........muah................. muah................... muah..................

agian the same pain

c says me bhaiya u r a theoratical person, c doesnt like dis bhaiya whom c loved once. i tried my level best to change which i really dont want i dont want 2 loose the true himansu i really love myself 4 what i m. moreover i keep my swear till my last breath, n expect others to do so. but whom i loved d most c broke my swear like i live or die it doesnt matter to her. c may say it was unintentional, but let me ask 1 thing can v do d same whom v always feel & really love. i was realy broken into piesces as i nvr forced her to take the swear rather c has taken it by her own. when the matter was abt her love c 4get even her bhaiya's swear widout thinking what n how he will feel. therefore i say saying anybody anything is a easy job but doing it is d most difficult. i dont blame dem really.

relation changed

from that day relation changed. i was not able to look all three relations seprately as CHHOTI says. i sopped them from talking each-other frequently, meeting regularly. swear to her, most pious swear 4 me, i nvr wanted to seprate both of them but to save her esp from d pain as in relation if anything happens either breaking or defamation comes d biggest sufferer is d girl. but c & i think kshitij also thought i m hitler, i dont give her So called SPACE or INDEPENDENCE, the boy n the girl who once said that on my saying only they can separate from each-other were now feelinf suffocated due to my that demand. how funny it was, how much pain ful 4 me. had it would b CHHOTI & kshitij I would hav gone from their life very easily. but i cannt b distant from both as i really dont know how much i love them.

new changes in our relations

our relation wasnt going good due to these reason her mind acceptig me but heart was with kshitij sir. in my personal life also somebody whom i loved was not playing good. v came to delhi n my life turned. trust ia always more important than love, you may love some1 but no guarantee of trust, but if u love some1 there is a guarantee of eternal love, it was 3rd of july i cannt 4get d black day of my life when not 1 rather both d persons whom i loved & trusted most have broken my trust like i meant nothing to them. i felt like somebody took my life from my body. i was lifeless. i really died at dt day at dt time. ut i was responsible 4 meetin them. i was d cause behind everything. loovig each-other has nvr been a crime in my view rather its d most pious feeling i also cannt c her crying, moreover both were telling they will seprate from each other if i say so even today they say, but i know if i say so i m seprating two lovig heart, d most henius crime & i cannt 4 give myself 4 dt also both will do it forcefully which i nvr like. moreover kshitij as ahuman bing was d very good choice 4 her. i accepted but dt wound of breaking my trust will never b cured.

new changes in our relations

earlier on i was the issue to talk now kshitij sir was d issue to talk even btw us. i really felt bad, i nvr wanted dt c should get apart from him which i could hav done so easily. sometime v fought, misunderstanding came in our relation. i even cried on the marriage date of bahiya. i cannt 4get dt. my chest pain started suddenly then i felt how much i love her. c told me c like kshitij sir, i tried not fully to stp her, bcz i dont want dt relation due to so many reasons- 1st n 4most was i felt i will loose both of them whom i love d most, kshitij d best guy but sometime get angry n break his relatons though on faults of others, i know my sis c sometime bhave like a child so if kshitij sir deny again c will cry ( as c cried like anything as c lost some1 in d past, again i was d culprit, whatever i thought best 4 her i did, sorry), moreover kshitij sir wasnt in very good job. also i was very much afraid off what was happening with didi n that was playing in d back of my mind. i was raelly faraid of their relation.

c & i

C always told me i m like GOD in her life, on this regard i really object, as i saw the world very closely n i know howmuch difficult to b true human bing so what to talk abt GOD. i was exicted to meet her, i met her in delhi. b4 that c was not in good condition neednt to explain so i realised dt c should hav a good frnd in her life, in point no1 can b better frnd than kshitij. so i tried my level best to bring both of them closer, i succeeded, but not knowing the result. when they bcame frnd i was d happiest person kshitij sir generally told her importance in his life is only as my sis. i felt bad but i was hopeful. very soon they came close to each-other even beyond my expectation. sudenly my intution started telling me sth else, i started feeling dt he is not only frnd 4 her, i started feeling possessive 4 her. its my dark side i m very much possessive. her definitions started changing still c loved me d most. but my condition was like a small child who even doesnt digest her morther taling 2 any1 when he is there.

saumya in del & kshitij

still as c was in bhopal v were having a ideal brother sister life. but as c came to delhi things changed. here i will name a person whom also i love & more than love trust like anything. his name is kshitij ranjan. second person after prashant prakash who occupy such an important place in my life. i met him at one of my relatives place named MONU when i was in d darkest phase of my life. i heartly thank MONU who has given me opportunity to meet such a nice, humble, submissive, kind hearted, caring, truthful, down to earth & i dont know what more person. as he is having so many qualities. i really proud to b his friend. i thank to a person SHYAM who just kicked me out of his home & i was forced to search new stay 4 me where i got kshitij with me. i m really 4tunate to hav him in my life. he really cared 4 me, loved me n made me feel i also deserve person like him. he is really................................ 4 my life. no words to explain the closeness of our relation.

my cute sis saumya

how c came in my life even i cannt tell. c was other juniors who were just attache to me to quench their thirst of knowedge. but c was different. c was not only attached to me 4 herself. c was having a feeling 4 me. c consider me as her elder brother not saying only, rather i can undoubtebly say that even if my own younger sister would have been there c couldnt hav loved me more than her. as i come close to any1 very easily but make some1 special in my life very rarely. slowly n gradually c not only entered but occupied my life. i feel same possession, love, care, concern & all other feelings as i feel 4 my family members & very few ppl in my life.

D year of 2010 given so many changes in my life. i came across two persons in my life, 1 know not acquinted from last two year & another i came across last year who just loved me, cared for me & made me realise like i m such aspecial 1. 1 lady i also came across in late 2008 named GITA DIDI, without naming her i cannt complete my life, her love & care 4 me is simply selfless & unconditional. C is really god's grace upon me.

life is such a puzzling thing. it comes to you layer by layer. u should always be ready for changes. i think now my life's wheel is turning everyday. sometime it gives you heavenly touch sometime it gives u immense pain. it started in my life when a new gift from d god. earlier on i didnt understand but as i realised it, it was like a dream come true.

i know my scanning machine is poor. once koi achcha lag gaya to ho gaya why to put ur mind. but some time difficult to understand her really. its very less days in hand,but just feeling her make me forget everything. i dont feel where i m.really i will deny even these days anything in place of IFS. i wanna to live here 4 life time but with her. but cannt, so just chill. let d life go as going.cannt do much,

c doesnt understand me. i know we r of different places, different culture, different life style but herat never look 4 these things. though we believe in sane values, family is d most important & we should never break their believe. but tujhme rab dikhta hai yara mai kya karu. dts personnal felling. we must hav balance which we should make.

now i m happy, i hav a job. dt is d best 1 4 me, as i got some1 special here so close to my heart. it is like divine feeling. i m really enjoying, but nothing is 100% as sometime we fight also. i get disapponted but its her maturity which makes d thing right, i learnt so many things from her. c isgod'gift to me like person.