my feelings

i remember how much excited i was abt delhi transfer, dreaming to live wid him, but now dont want to come to delhi. if it was not pitaji pressure & not abt his treatment i would have rejected my transfer.

i remind the day c went from delhi, i was standing in front but he called him, c even didnt look at me & went, i was standing like the poorest man of the world whose all things are looted.

they both talk abt trust how astonishing- on such a big issue i remember when c came to delhi, c stayed & once c told i have not done anything wrong & i nvr even took a single sec to accept that & i today also believe them. but how can i believe (whom i love most tell even the most secret parts of my life also when every time u tell lie or hide things or feel as 1st u both discuss & den convey t me,) i m not a god. even on small issues of call i have been told wrong things.

when he says anything or c says anything it is believed at once by both of them but when its my matter, it is always taken d way they want. even my intuitions which were max time right were taken as joke. if i take her phone its spying & he takes her phone its his authority or love??????????? what a great stand. & finally always i m wrong.......

presently

when i get separated, it was like hell. no sleep, high blood pressure, so much of pain in heart, even bleeding from mouth & nose. it was like complete disorder life. i cry, i weep. truely its almost impossible to live without them.

i wish i could have stayed, i could have made them realized how much i love them. its my failure. but if their happiness is at that cost only i bear that. i dont have device to show how much i love u. u both r simply my life n when i m distant from u i m just breathing but there is no life in that. till i m busy, i avoid things, but when go back or alone its like cry so loudly that all pain disappear, but is increases manifold.

love u both.......................

I M MAD ABT U BOTH, DONT KNOW Y U BOTH R NOT MADE 4 ME.......................

U BOTH R IN MY HEART & PRAY & WILL BE 4EVER....................................

what i want?

i had mixed actions as due to fight btwn heart & mind. but i wanted that i should break all my relations with them. as was not possible with peace. i tried. so i had to fight, blame or give them unnecessary pain. as i got that till i will be in their life no1 will be happy. they love each-other the way they want. then who m i to object. had i any authority on them. no. so i did so many of things that we could get separated. as with love it was not possible so it happened like this way,

i want them to live happily & give me a niece "RADHIKA". but i will miss them like....................

relation with him & her

once i told he if ur husband wont like our relation or object it, i will quit. c replied will nvr happen. he came in her life, c tried to make me understand that its very much beneficial that he is the only person who can understand our relation.

i remember i have nvr kept anything hidden from him even what i discuss wid her, d way i love & all things, but he had different views 4 our relation i know he is right in his views. if any1 would have been in his place the person would have reacted the same. but he was not any1? he was aspecial1.

relation with him & her

i never wanted to loose him. i loved him a lot as i feel today. but in last months i feel whenever there were differences always i came forward. he was always neutral. always there were so many reasons behind that. but he never remember how much i love him.

i remind when c 1st time told me abt her relation with him, i told it destroy all relations among us. but my true intentions were always taken as joke. i should have understand at that day only. but i m a big fool.

i felt that when c is wid me he might hav felt bad. i told it to her also so many times, but c had more faith on him than me.. but what was reality as he felt so bad but kept hiding. finally everything destroyed.

look he has lost his mobile but didnt tell me his new no in delhi though i know he is using 09015344514. but has he told me? y not? bcz he doesnt want to talk.

why it happened?

once both told me u tell once v will 4get each-other, but ha ha ha ha ha. what was reality i just wanted they should love & live but not the way they were doing & things changed against me. i m ignored & avoided. i became an unwanted piece in heir life. forcefully they have been carrying me.

when he told abt his objections, i realized how bad i m? n i decided at that only that anyhow i will quit as till i will be their they cannt be happy. i feel he wants the same from his behavior & reactions. he doesnt want my presence. his reaction is very much important 4 me as he is her happiness whom i loved the most. he is himsellf a very very imp. person in my life.

i remember once an old maid told him, u tell lie & he became so furious that i have to intervene. but if not told, i cannt remember how many times things were kept mysterious 4 me. hiding truth is also like telling a lie. but its their wish

why it happened?

when the incident happened as came to delhi & i didnt know. i decided i will quit. but it was not happening as i always became weak when c come in front of me. i was loosing him day by day also as i love him also a lot. i tried my level best that i could keep relation with him but i think he didnt want.

my mind & heart was against. heart says i shouldnt be distant from her & him. mind says no u must. as no1 will be happy if i stays.

problem was only that i was open book 4 them as whatever i felt i shared but they always kept seceracy. if they have not any thing secret y to hide?